Bording with beezus
by obsessedandindistress
Summary: a story about a messed up family. dosn't even fit the title alot. WARNING, if i have writers block, i'm typing random stuff on here. VERY funny, if your anything like me that is.
1. Chapter 1

Hi! I love chocolate, welcome to the random world of beezus, nim, mom, and mystery person I don't know the name of yet! Short first chapter, but I'm still getting details from my friends. Warning, this whole thing isn't going to be about a weird family, there'll be that and plain randomness. Curtsy of me and my friend Bethany who I kidnapped from her parents, but don't tell anyone.

Bethany- Hi! – twists my arm-

Me- No! – smacks- bad rabid dog, maybe I shouldn't have given you sugar.

Bethany- my dog doesn't have rabies shots! –bouncing up and down-

Me: great, hey Bethany-… uh, where'd you go? –crash- oh crap.


	2. BOOM!

**Ok, so I just got the details from my friends about this story. So this is a game me and my friends came up with in real life, so I can't guarantee everything will be kiddy worthy, or even teen worthy, but it will be funny. This is also like a poetry corner, but a Beezus corner instead. So here are our main characters.**

**Mom – **27, no non-adopted kids. AWESOME MOM! You'll see why.

**Beezus **– 16. Mom's X-husband's kid. Has been adopted for 2 weeks.

**Ivy** **and Nim **- 3 year-old twins. Very destructive. Good actors and very smart for little kiddies. Girl version of Iggy and Gazzy.

**And so we begin! I hope for your sake, you have no idea who I am, and if you do, good luck with your life.**

**Beezus: **MOM! Tell the twins to get out of my room.

**Mom:** Kids, leave Beezus alone, she's having a bad day.

**Ivy:** -whining- But Mom, we need someone to help us!

**Mom: **Help you with what?

**Nim:** Nothing, never mind! Come on Ivy lets go play.

**Mom: **Ok but remember, no blowing up stuff! Mommy's not on good terms with the police right now! –door slams-

**Beezus: **Really, that's all your going to do to stop them.

**Mom: **Last time I tried to stop them, I ended up with half my hair burned off, and the apartment went up in flames anyways.

**Beezus: **Oh.

_2 minutes later_

-BOOM-

**Mom:** Crap.

-Ivy and Nim come running in-

**Mom:** What did you two do now!

**Ivy:** Nothing! The dump just randomly went up in flames and exploded!

**Mom:** Uh-huh, let me see your hands.

**Nim:** Darn't.

–She and Ivy hold up pitch black hands-

**Mom:** What did I tell you two about blowing stuff up!

**Ivy:** -muttering- Not to do it. But no one got hurt, and it was an AWESOME explosion.

**Mom:** -sighs- Fine, but don't do it again.

**Nim:** Got it. Hey, can Beezus take us shopping?

**Mom:** Why?

**Ivy:** Uh, we, uh, want to make cupcakes! We even have a list.

**Mom:** -looks over list- Ok, but Beezus is only allowed to buy you the stuff on this list, got it?

**Ivy/ Nim:** Yes ma'm. Come on Beezus, we have work to do!

**Beezus:** Yippee.

**There we go, so guys, how'd it go? Any reviews will be appreciated. **

**Bethany: Yea, any reviews!**

**Me: ye.. wait, how did you get here! I thought I left you stranded at Wal-mart!**

**Bethany: I'm cool like that. And look, I picked up Reygan (R), Elizabeth(E), and Morgan(M) on the way here!**

**Others: Hi Hannah!**

**Me: Great, and I thought Bethany was bad. Well, until next time you hear from me, it would be in my your best wishes to hope I survive.**

**R: Yea, I mean really. Hey Hannah, is this being broadcasted on the web?**

**Me: Yea. Why?**

**R: Great! Hey everyone! Hannah likes….. **

**Me: - screeches and hits Reygan on head with baseball bat. - How 'bout you just ignore what she was going to say, or the same thing will happen to you.**

**-Everyone backs away-**

**Me: What, she'll be fine…. I think.**


	3. Exploding cupcakes

**Welcome back to the world of Beezus!**

**E: Yey, I love this world!**

**M: You're weird.**

**E: I take that as a complement.**

**Me: So here's what happened the last few days.**

**Our Wi-Fi crashed, so I couldn't update.**

**Bethany mysteriously disappeared. R had nothing to do with it, I think.**

**R: In other words, she's stuck with the scariest people on the planet. **

**E: Guess what joke I just came up with! "Whoever say's nothing is impossible is wrong, I've been doing nothing for years!"**

**M: Wow, that's actually a good one.**

**E: Don't make me kill you with my backpack. **

**Me: Ok! Now, before readers start skipping these, let's move on with the story!**

_2 hours after last episode._

-Nim and Ivy walk in with 3 bags-

**Ivy:** WE'RE HOME!

**Mom:** Ok, hey, you want some help with the cupcakes?

**Nim:** No, we're good. Come on Ivy, let's go.

-Beezus walks in covered with dust-

**Mom:** What happened to you?

**Beezus:** Never, ever, let them go into the cosmetics isle.

**Mom:** Powder trick?

**Beezus:** -cough- What do you think?

-Mom spots grocery bags-

**Mom:** GIRLS!

-Twins come in-

**Mom:** Explain this to me.

**Nim:** They're cupcake ingredients.

**Mom:** Since when do you need dynamite to make cupcakes? I thought I told you to only get the stuff on the list!

**Ivy:** But it was on the list, just on the back.

**Mom:** Go to your rooms. Now!

-Twins walk into room grumbling-

**Beezus:** Well that was interesting.

**Mom:** Do I even want to know how they got you to get those for them?

**Beezus:** Probably not.

**Mom:** I'd better let the girls out of their room.

**Beezus:** I thought they were grounded!

**Mom:** Would you rather let them out of the room, or have them let themselves out?

**Beezus:** Yea, you'd better go let them out.

-Twins come running out-

**Nim:** Hi mom! Thanks for letting us out! –Runs out door-

**Ivy:** We're going outside! –Runs out door-

-Beezus and Mom stare at door-

**Beezus:** Forgot Nim could pick locks didn't you.

**Mom:** I give up.

**You know what I love, peace and quiet. You know what I hate? Cousins. Especially cousins who try and kill me! I mean seriously, Louis pushed me out of a tree! I am going to kill that boy one day. **

**E: I'll help!**

**Me: That's right your still here.**

**E: Hey Hannah, guess what? **

**Me: What?**

**E: Irish Pirates!**

**R: I'm gonna kill you!**

**Me: William's an Irish Pirate.**

**Ok, funny back story. So R has this shirt that says I only date pirates, and another that says I only date Irish. So of course, E put them together and gets that R only dates Irish pirates. Then my little brother got on the Pirates for T-ball, and I and he are Irish, so he's an Irish Pirate!**

**R: I'm going to **_**kill **_**you one of these days.**

**H: Yea, sure you are. And until you find out where we keep the BB-gun, good luck with that.**

**R, E and M: You have a BB-gun!**

**Me: Crap, I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut.**


	4. Mall Night

**R: AHHHHHHHH! –runs around blacktop wildly-**

**E: What's wrong with R?**

**Me: A lot of things.**

**E: I knew that, by why's she acting like she's on sugar high?**

**Me: She's acting like a psycho child who's trying to kill everyone.**

**E: I thought she is a Psycho child that tried to kill everyone. **

**Me: Uh, well. I would say no, but I'd be lying. And I don't lie.**

**E: OMG! Who are you and what have you done with Hannah!**

**Me: -Death glares-**

**Beezus:** Mom, I'm going to the Mall! Be back by midnight!

**Mom:** Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute; you're going to the mall.

**Beezus:** Yea, what's wrong with that?

**Mom:** I thought you were supposed to be a slutty whore!

**Beezus:** Ok….. Hey mom, can I go to the night club to get real drunk and act like a total idiot! –Sarcasm-

**Mom:** Sure, be back by 5 though, and use protection!

**Beezus:** -mouth drops open- you know what, I give up! –Walks out door-

**Ivy:** Mom, why's Beezus talking to herself again.

**Mom:** Well… wait, what did she say?

**Ivy:** -whispers-

**Mom:** _Beezus_, language! There are innocent children in this house!

**Beezus:** Like who?

**Mom:** Uh… how 'bout I get back to you on that one.

_-Door slams-_

_**5 hours later**_

**Beezus:** Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

**Mom:** What, who got killed?

**Beezus:** Scariest things I've ever seen, I think I need to bleach my eyes.

**Mom:** Why, didn't you have fun?

**Beezus:** No! I don't want to be a slutty whore!

**Mom:** Well to bad, you are so deal with it!

_-In the twins room-_

**Nim:** Ivy, scary things are happing outside.

**Ivy:** Aren't they always? We live with Beezus now, get used to it.

**Nim:** Ok, good night Ivy.

**Ivy:** Bad night to you too Nim.

**Ok so, short chapter. BTW, anyone can review now; I disabled the 'You have to have an account to review' thing. So thank me… BY REVIEWING! This is going to get to be SUCH a good story. I just hope I can keep spewing out chapters before I forget the ideas. You will make me feel much better if you press the little review button down there... yea, the purple one. Don't worry, it won't bite. Maybe.**


	5. Psyco pills

**I'm back!**

**R: Run for your lives!**

**M: Ahhhhhhhhh!**

**E: Can I walk instead?**

**Me: Really, come on guys. I need your help with Boarding with Beezus!**

**E: Use the squid ink!**

**M: Or the mall!**

**R: Or the psychotic mom!**

**Me: Wow, we really need to get a life.**

**R: Well, at least we're smart and cute!**

**Me: Yea, ok, that works! Now, on with the story! Reminder, the Chicas Blancas own EVERYTHING!**

_-Everyone walks into apartment building-_

**Ivy:** Ok, the doctor said to give Mommy one of these pills every 12 hours.

**Nim:** Ok so, who wants to force feed her first?

**Mom: **Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! _–Runs and attacks random people in the lobby-_

**Beezus: **I got her. _–Grabs Mom in a chokehold.-_

**Nim: **I got the video camera!

**Ivy: **We'reall gonna be famous!

**Beezus:** Sure, whatever, but can one of you go grab some rope, duck tape, and maybe the straitjacket!

**Ivy: **Ok, but you do know Mom hides those things from…. WAIT! We have a straitjacket!?

**Beezus: **Aw, sh*t

**Nim:** Beezus! Language!

**Ivy: **Don't we have more important things to worry about?

**Nim: **_-pauses to think- _No.

**Ivy: **_-face palm, face palm-_

**Beezus: **Ok, now open the container and give me a pill.

**Ivy: **Ok. Beezus, I can't get the jar open.

**Nim: **Here, let me try. _ –Struggles with container-_

**Beezus: **Hurry up! I'm losing my hold on her!

**Mom: **_-rips free and attacks Beezus- _Ahhhhhhhhh!

**Beezus: **Ahhhhhhhhh!

**Ivy: **Ok, let's see…. –_holds up magnifying glass- _According to the _very_ small labels on the jar, we have to give her one of these every 12 hours, but if we ingest- ingest, what's ingest?

**Nim: **Maybe it's like digest, but _in _instead of _die_. _–skips away -_

**Ivy: **Oh, that makes sense, wait, Nim where'd you go? Oh well.

**Beezus: **_-Still screaming-_ GET THE JAR OPEN NOW! OR ELSE I'LL (I'm sorry, this portion of the story is censored for obvious reasons)

**Mom: **You'll never take me alive!MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! _–Grabs mysterious axe and starts on mad killing spree-_

**Beezus: **Uh, guys… how are those pills coming along?! Like, are they ready to be launched into Mom's mouth yet?!

**Ivy: **Just give me some more time! Now, let's see, where was I… oh, 'Side effects of this product include, but are not limited to, nausea, headache, mass hysteria, stomachaches, projectile vomiting, aggressive tendencies, extreme blackouts, and hallucination.'

**Nim: **So, pretty much nothing Beezus can't handle!

**Ivy: ** Yep! Pretty much! By the way, where were you earlier?

**Nim: **I was looking for something to help us get the lid off, and look; I found your rocket launcher!

**Ivy: **My precious! _-Strokes-_

_-2 seconds later-_

**Nim: **BEEZUS! WE GOT THE LID OFF! :D

**Beezus: **Great, now GIVE ME A PILL!

_-Beezus gives Mom pill-_

_**BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!**_

_-Everyone (left alive) goes into a coughing fit while smoke clears-_

**Ivy: **That… was….. so…AWESOME!

**Nim: **I'm glad you had fun.

**Beezus: **Was that listed as a side effect?!

**Nim: **They did say it wasn't limited to what they listed _–pauses- _Beezus! What happened to you? You look like a hobo who got pushed off a cliff and has no hair!

**Beezus: **Or a Beezus that had to reel in psychotic mom!

**Mom: **What are we all doing in the lobby? And what happened to Beezus?

**Beezus: **_-Sighs- _It's a long story. Speaking of which, Ivy, Nim, two questions: Uno- How did you get the lid off the pill jar?

**Ivy: **How do you think? _–Pulls out rocket launcher and blows smoke off of top-_

**Nim: **Yep, and the best part is, she only had to blast the lid off, not destroy the whole thing like she usually does!

**Beezus: **Lovely. Question two: How did Nim speak an emoticon?

**Nim: **I'm awesome like that. ;)

**Beezus: **O_o

**And we are done! Finally! I'm sorry if this took awhile, I suffered from epic writers block and a jam-packed few weeks. I am super de-dooper tired.**

**E: She decided to go to a party and stay up till 7 am! Even though I told her not to!**

**Me: Be quiet, you sound like my Mom, and 7 isn't even that late!**

**E: Maybe I am your Mom.**

**R: I thought I was Mom and you were Ivy.**

**M: Well, we all know who I am.**

**Me: Yea, it's kinda hard to forget.**

**M: You're welcome!**

**R: I still think someone else should be Mom.**

**E: We went over this!**

**Me: Yea, I mean really we tried that and this is what happened…**

_**E as Mom-**_

**-Us gasping for air/screaming-**

**Mom: -cackling maniacally-**

_**M as Mom-**_

**Beezus: Ok, I'm going to the strip mall now!**

**Mom: Ok, have fun! Maybe I'll come later too.**

**Me and E: Yea, NO! Stick with R as mom.**

_**Me Mom-**_

**We didn't try this one for obvious reasons. ****Me + Sugar + control = BOOM!**

**E: Yay!**

**M: Yeah, stick with R as Mom.**

**E: I like that idea. I mean, if we didn't have Beezus, who would deprive us of oxygen? I'm not sure, but I think that's not a good idea when you're the Mom.**


	6. Makeup and Movie Auditions

**Ok, so, after about oh, a year… here we go again! Please read EVERYTHING at the bottom. Thank you **

**Nim: **_-skipping around-_ Lalala….. hey Beezus! Where ya going?

**Beezus: **Somewhere.

**Ivy:** Like….. where?

**Mom: **Beezus don't forget your script, I don't want you to mess up in front of the Hollywood producers.

**Beezus: **MOM!** Ivy+Nim:** Hollywood!

**Beezus:** YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T TELL THEM!

**Mom: **Sweetie, they would have found out anyways.

_-Ivy and Nim nod-_

**Mom:** Well anyways, go have fun!

_-10 minutes later-_

**Beezus: **Moooooooooooooooooooooom! _-sticks her head in door-_ I forgot to fix my face! _-looks around-_ Okay, then… Well, I'll just grab my concealer, foundation, mascara, eye shadow, eyeliner, lip gloss, lipstick, blush, nail polish and pretzel bag.

_-Walks in-_

**Meanwhile…**

**Mom: **_**-**__dances around the living room with headphones on-___Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it  
>If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it<br>Don't be mad once you see that he want it  
>If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it<p>

wo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh

**Meanwhile in Beezus' room…**

**Ivy: **Wow, Beezus has a lot of stuff.

**Nim: **She has more makeup than you have bomb supplies! And that shouldn't even be possible!

**Ivy:** That's right. _–Grabs a bottle of makeup- _And I am going to fix that!

**Back to Beezus…**

**Beezus: **_-Opens bedroom door- _Oh, my God!

**Ivy: **_-whispers as they hide in closet- _Do you think she suspects?

**Beezus:** It's… it's…

**Ivy and Nim:**_ -gasp-_

**Beezus: **_-shudders- _Clean! My entire system of disorganization… Destroyed! But who would have done such a thing? Who?

**Mom: **_-calls from downstairs- _Kids? You haven't been doing anything bad, have you? Or violent? ... Or fatal?

**Beezus: **#$*&, I have to go! _–Grabs everything on desktop and rushes out of room-_

**Ivy and Nim: **_**-**__sigh with relief-_

**Ivy: **That was close! Imagine if she found out… we stole her pretzels! _–Munches happily-_

**In Hollywood…**

**Beezus:** This place seems like an awfully strange location for Hollywood tryouts… Wait! Could this be one of those times where my dreams are crushed and my plans backfire horribly on me? Nah…

_-Walks out of changing room haughtily-_

**Beezus: **It's a good thing I can apply my makeup by heart; I couldn't see a thing in that mirror! Alright, I need to blow the judges away. _–Takes deep breath, shakes head and rolls shoulders-_ Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to be amazed by the amazing Beezus!

**Judges: **_-Stares- _HAHAHAHAHA LOL!

**Beezus: **What are you all staring at? _–See's reflection- _Ahhh! Runs off stage.

******Half an hour later******

**Beezus: **And then- and then- they all burst out laughing and oh- _-cries-_

**Mom:** _-reassuringly- _It's okay, sweetie. Just because that stuff is permanent and will most likely mean no boy will come within a hundred yards of you for the rest of your life doesn't mean you can't be happy! Hey, you know, I bet there's some boy out there that likes a girl that looks like a raccoon, I mean, they where raccoon hats all the time!

**Beezus: **_-Cries harder-_

**Ivy:** _-Walks into room-_ Hi, Mom. Hi, strange raccoon. Hi- Wait, what?

**Nim:** _-Walks into room from opposite end- _Hi, Mom. Hi, strange raccoon. Hi- Wait, what?

**Mom:** Deja vu anyone.?

_-Blank stares-_

**Mom:** _-sighs- _Never mind. The point is, girls, this was a very mean prank to pull. You shouldn't make fun of your sister.

**Nim:** Yes we shou…, I mean, what prank?

**Ivy:** Sister?

**Beezus:** You mean Raccoon?

**Ivy:** _-shrieks-_ It talks!

**Beezus: **I'm not an it!

**Ivy: **Raccoons sound like my sister?

**Nim:** Uh, Ivy?

**Beezus:** I'm not a raccoon, you little- (censored)

**Ivy: **A raccoon insulted me in a strange language?

**Nim:** Ivy?

**Beezus:** I don't know how, but I KNOW this is your fault!

**Ivy:** Nothing's ever my fault; ask Nim.

**Nim: **IVY!

_-silence-_

**Ivy:** Yes?

**Nim:** The raccoon is Beezus.

_-crickets chirp-_

**Ivy:** Oh.

_-More silence-_

**Ivy:** And to think I had thought I was actually talking to a raccoon! _–sighs-_ Now I have to uncross it off of my "Things To Do Before Beezus Finds Out" checklist. _–Pulls out loooooong roll of paper-_

**Beezus: **Really?! Is that _really _necessary?!

**Ivy and Nim:** Yup :D

**Beezus: **What is it with you to and emoticons!

**Ivy: **Well, actually Nim's the one who likes them, but considering the reaction they get from you, I might have to use them more often.

**Beezus: **_-Face palm-_

**Nim: **Hehe you wacked yourself :D:D:D:D:D:D:D!

**Ivy: **Hehe, that's almost as funny as you being a raccoon!

**Beezus:** Why you little _–attacks the girls-_

**Mom:** Girls, please don't fight

_ -girls yelling and screaming-_

**Mom: **Girls….. Girls? Oh whatever. _–Walks away-_

********Half a hour later********

**Nim: **Ivy, you done yet?

**Ivy: ** Almost, just give me some more time!

**Nim:** I'm trying, but I can't hold her off much longer! No! Bad Beezus! _–swings metal bat at Beezus-_

**Ivy: **There, I'm finally done! Nim, stand back!

**Nim: **_-jumps out of way as Ivy fires-_

**Beezus:** What the….. Wait, is this my makeup? _ –gasps-_ you two DID steal my stuff!

**Nim: **You mean you thought someone else did?!

**Beezus: **Good point but, HEY! Stop trying to change the subject, you two are dead!

**Nim: **Ivy! Fire again!

**Ivy: **No, duh! _–Fires-_

**Beezus:**___-Now covered in makeup and paint- _I'll get you two if it's the last thing I do!

**Nim: **It probably will be.

**Beezus: **AHHHHHHHH! _–Attacks-_

**Ivy: **Bad Beezus! _–Fires- _Bad Beezus! _–Fires again and again and again and, well, you get the picture-_

**Mom: **_-Upstairs- _Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it, If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it, Don't be mad once you see that he want it, If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it, wo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh

**There we go! All done! I know I haven't updated this for a while, but the whole boarding with Beezus is actually something we do during school, and no school means no new ideas, so… yea. It also means no Annoying people bothering me! :D**

**My Cousins: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!**

**Me: Scratch that last sentence.**

**R&R please :D**

Ok so authors note PLEASE READ!Myself and the other BwB members don't really talk anymore (unfortuantly). We all grew apart greatly this year and so it will be hard to continue the story. Elizabeth is going off to a different school next year and so the group is basically done for. I'm going to try and continue the story like it would be if we all still hung out but I'll need help. To all my friends who follow this story please help me with ideas because I honestly forget most of them. I am extremely sorry that I have changed so much and that I'm not the old me completely, but I still am, deep, deep down. Which is why after soooo long, today I finally decided to pick this story back up and try again. I still may not update for a long time but I'll try. I hope it still gets the same reaction out of people it did when I first added this story.

**!HannaH!**


End file.
